Sincere Futility

I need to come to terms with the fact that my marriage is over. I'm 3 months away from 27, yet I feel like I'm too old to start over. I miss being married. The comfort of knowing someone has chosen to spend their lives with you makes everything easier. Life becomes a safe bet. Everything is simpler when there is someone you love waiting for you at home. What I refuse to acknowledge is that my marriage has been over for quite some time. Its been over 2 years since she left. We made a half assed attempt at a reconciliation a few months in, but I think we both knew it was a no go. I was in a dreadful place. Resentful, angry, just looking to assert my own place in the world. Of course I took it out on her. I used every excuse to keep her at arms length no matter how hard she tried. Life is probably easier when you can get passed your own foolish pride. 'Wish I knew then...' and all that. 2011 was my first year as a single guy since high school. 11.5 months in and I'm still not sure what that means. I spent the summer using my credit cards as disposable income, trying to eat drink and celebrate my way out of a sure to be crippling depression. At this point, I'm teetering on the edge. $35k on a spiffy new muscle car, a $3k jamaican vacation, tailored suits, more clothes than I can wear and enough booze to kill an elephant. So far I feel about the same as when she left. I've learned to hate the holidays. I avoid family obligations and get togethers at all costs. When my grandmother died I lost it. I held it together for a few hours when I found out but eventually I had to leave work and I just couldn't control myself. I went to the most calming place I could think of to try and clear my head. A few hours in the monastery and I had regained some if not close to all of my composure. It didn't last for long. Coming home to an empty apartment brought it all back to the surface. It was all I could do to sit quietly and not die. There is a serious difference between being lonely and being alone. At that moment I learned how lonely I had become. Spending a few days in florida with my family only made it worse. No one brought up my 'situation' but I could see it in my grandfather's eyes. Before we left for the airport he told me to go home and win her back. How simple that would be. If only we could go back in time and do it all over. Would we make the same choices? Texas, the air force, the 2 bedroom with her brother and his gf? Would I say the same things? Would she? Knowing the outcome, would you save yourself the trouble of heartbreak or enjoy the smiles and laughter that came to you. Knowing the price would you still go through with it. It saddens me to say no, I don't believe I would. Its no ones fault but my own. I'm stuck in a place where I feel as if the last ten years of my life have gone nowhere. I have a decent job for someone who blew off college in search of adventure and a manly pursuit of working with my hands. Bust. What I wouldn't give to go back in time and kick my own ass for not staying in basic. I've made too many decisions for the immediate and none for the future. I type away at this rambling because I want to get it all out of my head. I'm tired of the sleepless nights wondering where I'm headed. I have never been the existential type but what am I doing with my life? What am I supposed to want? I have always felt lost. The problem is I've just stopped burying the thought. I've practically let it consume me. Work is a simple distraction, drinking takes the pain away, albeit for a few hours at a time. I hate even the idea of dating. Sharing my life with someone again is quite the scary thought. I haven't even figured out how to go it alone yet and people think I should be out trying to meet someone. Someone to fill the void. The void in my life cannot be a single person. It feels to large, too overwhelming to be filled by a passing fancy. But how can you explain that to a girl on a first date? Or a second. A month in? At what point does it become necessary to share the fact that all I want is to be married, in a house, with children. And a dog. She has my dog. How can you replace a dog. How can you replace a wife. How can you replace the plan you had for your entire life? I have to believe that one day when I least expect it I will come across happiness. Believing is not enough. I have to KNOW that it will happen. Then one day I will realize everything is alright. I'm smiling again. I'm happy again. Someone feels better when I am around. Life has gone forward without asking my permission and good thing it did. One day I will look back on this moment with a fond sadness. Knowing that as bad as things got I forced myself to think about today instead of tomorrow. To smile now and not cry about yesterday. Hope for the future that may only be a few hours away, has to be what keeps me going. Life is strange. You must be content to roll with what the universe brings you. I must learn to be content. No. Content is not enough. I must learn to be happy without a crutch. Happy with myself. I must be happy with myself before I will be happy with anything else, or more importantly before I will be happy with anyone else. This was a sincere exercise in futility.